Letter to the Kraken

The Kraken
The Oceans, All of Them
Address Line Not Applicable

Dear Mr. or Ms. Kraken (How am I to know?)

Hello. You may not know my name. You see, you and I have never met. No, please, that's fine! I don't wish to actually have an in-person introduction. However, I believe that while you are in an abundance of many things, you are unlikely to be in an abundance of fanmail. Strangely, you seem to have very few fans. I am planning to deliver this letter via the post, though I somehow question their reliability as "rain or sleet or snow or hail" does not include "many-limbed sea creatures". I will be creating a second copy, as a result, and trying to use non-water soluble ink. I'll also store it in a glass bottle, and tie a big flashy piece of steel to the end. I hope it doesn't annoy or frighten you, though I doubt that you know what fear is, as per your disposition.
As you can probably tell, I very much hope this reaches you! I really do admire your work, and have been a big fan for most of my purely land-dwelling life. I recall visiting the ocean only once, and while I did manage to glimpse some other predators, I am afraid to say they could not live up to your example. Sharks are efficient, but lack your grace and finesse, as well as your creativity. I hope it is not overstepping my boundaries to say that you are the greatest extant terror of the sea. Leviathan can carry men around in his stomach all he wants; Moby Dick can keep tormenting piddly little fishing vessels; Jaws can pretend he's terrifying to more than beach-dwellers; but you, you are the true reason that sailors have slept with one eye open for countless generations of humanity.
Krak, can I call you that? Krak, I believe you've been given a bad rap by recent fiction. That movie with the pirates is utter trash, because you and I both know you are the thrall of no man, beast, or Cthulhu cosplayer. Hell, you weren't even in The Dark Knight Rises, and I assure you plenty of less-talented individuals were in that film. (I've never seen Christian Bale playfully toy with a forty-foot tall sailing vessel before ripping it apart in a manner planned to let the sailors aboard maintain hope for absolutely as long as possible before they are forced to accept their unavoidable demise, but I've never seen Terminator: Salvation, I'll admit.) Krak, you need to hire a new press agent. If you want, I'd gladly do the job for the simple price of never having to actually visit you, in-person. I know it seems rather impolite of me, but I'm afraid I'm actually rather terrified of the ocean. And, unfortunately, you are not particularly prone to land-based exploration. If you ever come by the United States, though, I'd love to have you over. If you want, I can find some sailors around here if you get hungry. There's sure to be a naval base somewhere, or maybe a fishing dock.
Anyway, Krak, next time you're smashing vessels with ease and crushing sailors and marines with your powerful tentacles, I want you to remember that just because they are fighting back and possibly even wounding you slightly, you still have your fans. I would gladly give you a great big hug if I wasn't certain I'd end up similarly to one of the aforementioned sailors or marines. Hey, I understand, it's hard for you to see specifics with eyes larger than a hubcap. That's why I want to take the precautionary step myself. Nothing against you!

With love and admiration,
James

Postscript: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥